Lost in a Mountain

As, hopefully, all of you reading this know, I live in Denver now. At a straight distance that is 565 miles away. The driving distance is approximately 617 miles apart. It is both a very long ways away, and a short one too. I am only a phone call away, but also a nine hour drive from the ones I love and call family. Handwritten letters have become precious to me, and stamps are no longer a foreign concept. You may laugh when I say that but Google does not have the answer for "how many stamps does it take to send a letter?".

I am a person who has accepted at least a million second chances from anyone who has ever been close to me. I mess up, I hurt them, and I hurt myself in the process. I could never say 'thank you' enough to people who have been so gracious to me when I did not deserve any sort of kindness. There are people who have walked away from me also, and I understand their self-preservation and have grown to accept it. Matthew 18 tells many parables, with one that is very dear to me. The parable of forgiveness. Forgiving our friends and family alike not just seven times, but seventy-seven times. Whatever we do to another will be done unto us. If we show grace and mercy to those pleading for it, the same shall be done to us. We have all plead for something, or someone at one point or another.

Grace will be given to those who give it. Mercy to those who ask for it. No matter how many times we wander, we are always welcomed back with open arms and rejoicing.

There are no actions or words spoken that God does not know about; That we haven't discussed. He has not shamed me for them, nor has He called them to attention to publicly humiliate me. I have done more to deserve scorning from Him than anyone. I have failed many times, stumbled a hundred more, and made the wrong move countless times. Yet never has He called me out to degrade my worth. That's not really His thing. He loves to love. He has steered me in a better direction. He has given me words to say when I fail. He has comforted me in my darkest moments. He loves to love.

Christianity is all about being more like Jesus. I found myself confused, hurt, and angry Sunday until today. A rumor was spread about me and another person. In case you were unsure, the definition of a rumor according to Merriam-Webster is this: information or a story that is passed from person to person but has not been proven to be true. Now, I typically don't care about rumors. I let people talk, and if they want the truth they can ask. I don't mind, nor am I afraid of the repercussions. Dr. Seuss said "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Friends will stay with you through it all. No one should be shamed for anything, because we have all fallen short of perfection. Truthfully, even if we mess up, if whatever we do has only love behind the motivation, who can scold us?

Love the ones around you. The effect we have on those around us in enormous. Even if someone has lost their way, love them beyond capacity, beyond understanding. You are not hated, discriminated, humiliated, or ostracized by God no matter what you do. So, what good is it to display that kind of behavior to someone who is just as imperfectly perfect as you are?

If you have trouble with someone you love, make it right. If you have not loved as you are loved, make it right. There is no limit to forgiveness. Make them believe you love them.

This song always reminds me of the love I should be giving: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfwwuHgl_q8

Just Something.

This is a poem I wrote. I hope you enjoy it. It is okay if you don't.



Every note you've ever played went into my ear,

Down into the depths of my inner soul,

Made me fall in love with you,

And stuck with me like the echoes of our foes,

That crawls into our chests trying to break the guards of our rest,

At peace with ourselves and without the redemption of Grace,

You’ve made me fall on my face even harder than I imagined humanly possible,

But I laugh because I know that anything is possible,

With the I am. We are, He is, ours.

And only mine.

And every time I close my eyes my heart is unrefined,

But on my knees I am as new as a jewel from the dark mines.

Dark minds clutter the world that they claim as theirs

While we proclaim the good news that we belong to a KING

Have the greatest kingdom ever known and unknown.

The great mystery of the universe, life far out beyond the walls of any sphere.

Yet we are brought back by the simplicity of a smile,

Or the complexity of adoption;

The gravity that keeps us humble seems to be unseen

By eyes so desperate to search for their lives

That they miss out on the true meaning of life found in The Death,

I started this out as love but I am ending it with Agape;

The human who makes me feel alive inspired this fire

That grew a desire for fear: the absence of.

Our collision of spirit and

Inevitable choice of accepting what we didn't choose,

But we would decide even if it weren’t an option.

Good Enough.

Lately I have been having some open heart conversations with people who I have never shared things with before. With this kind of openness, it was not only the good entering my heart, but also The Enemy. It is interesting to see the kind of attacks I have had. I have always struggled with the idea of being “good enough” and I have friends who continually make fun of, and insult Christians. I am not just talking about one friend; and this isn’t an undercover jab at the people who have and continue doing it. I’m openly saying that my friends have done this, and I understand that their beliefs won’t change. I never want to force them to either.

You see, these friends make false statements about True Christianity. They are insulting something that they have only been burned by. They are trying to burn out the hate they have received with hate that they are sending out into the world. They are trying to put out a fire (that I agree needs to be burned out) with another fire. This will NEVER work. It will only cause a bigger fire, ultimately burning and hurting everyone around.

Saying these things is like telling someone “You’re exiting the building wrong, don’t go down the stairs!” Yet, they don’t have an elevator or another alternate route for us to take. Where are we supposed to go from there? Nowhere. It leaves us trapped in a building we are all striving to leave.

I couldn’t think about hurting someone around me in anyway. I would NEVER want to do that intentionally. I will do EVERYTHING to never hurt someone around me. When I do I humbly seek for their mercy. I pray that they will forgive me. This may sound dramatic, but it is important for people to know that I care a lot when I hurt them.

It is also VERY HYPOCRITICAL. What, a Christian calling the “secular” people HYPOCRITES? Yep. I know a lot of people who don’t believe in God have no problem proclaiming their thoughts and ideas to the world and tearing down our fundamental beliefs, but if I defend myself, I am all of a sudden forcing an idea down everyone’s throat.

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

They can send out their ideas. They can tell you why everything I believe is wrong. They can convince people that we are stupid, judgmental, and full of hate, but we try and clear, NOT our name but HIS name, and all of a sudden we are one of “those” Christians. Totally hypocritical. If someone insults you, spreads a false rumor about you, or hurts you in any way, you get to defend yourself. If someone is telling people that I am a gay-hating, judgmental, Republican, hypocritical, prude I just think I get to clarify that I am not. I know that all of those things are false.

And let me just tell you all THAT IT HURTS. It makes me SAD to think that’s exactly what my friends think when they look at me. People’s views of me are not what is important, but keeping my friendships are SO important to me, especially people who I am close to. Most people know that I don’t get offended by a lot. Almost nothing can make me upset to the point of tears but this does. It also takes a lot for me to admit weaknesses of mine.

This makes me think I am not a good enough example of the LOVE that Christ has for us. It makes me think that I am not being a good enough friend. It makes me think that I am not good enough for people to not look past prior judgments of Christians. I am an ambassador for what is GOOD, and TRUE, and RIGHT. This is my calling as a disciple. All of this just makes me think I am not good enough to even be friends with the people I am because they are great people. I am humbled to be their friend. This is where the enemy is hitting my heart, hard.

I am good enough for God to die for me. I am good enough for Him to love me. Yet these people who I thought cared about me are making me doubt this Truth because I am not good enough for them. All I am asking for is you to think about what you say, and if it is going to hurt someone or offend them, why say it? I don’t want to hurt you. I will never insult you, so why would you want to do that to me?

If you read this, thank you. If it means nothing to you, that’s fine. I hope I can find your respect.

Much love coming your way.

Some people...

Love is the ultimate sacrifice we can give. To love someone is to want everything good for them and make it happen within your abilities-at all costs.

                I have this friend who constantly reminds me of the person I want to be, knowingly, or not.  We were talking the other night and she told me “you’ve already opened your heart to me, you can’t take it back”. It made me realize how having an open heart with people deepens your relationship to a “no-turning-back” point. It is easy for us to say ‘man, people suck. I’ll just get them before they can get me”. I know this is the attitude of many people in this world.

                I know this life was supposed to be shared. It is why even the biggest atheists long for relationships in order to one day get married. When, if they really knew what they were doing, they wouldn’t have the desire in them to want to share life and to participate in a fundamental religious ceremony. We were created with desires. Our desires are not there so they can’t be met; they are there to show us exactly what we need in order to survive and live.

                We are not able to be ourselves without the consistency of people who hold us accountable. Ultimately, we need God in order to supply our needs, and to surpass our deepest wants and desires. But he created a companion for man because our lives were made to be connected. There is no me without the many people who surround and occupy my heart. It is why we are so easily influenced by the ones we care about so much.

                My friend who I mentioned earlier is never afraid to tell me when I am not being a good friend. She also has the ability to let me know when I am not being the person I need to be with her reactions (like I said, knowingly or not). She has pointed out flaws in me this week that I have always compromised by claiming it as a different characteristic. The truth is, I just react to the first thing I hear that can be believed. I am not proud of this fact, but I am working on it.

                A thought occurred to me the other day that if I don’t treat my friends with the same respect I hold with Christ, I am not a true Christian. I am contradicting everything I have ever believed in, or preached. I need to love those around me with the same abundant love that healed me and brought me to the person I am today. The love I have cannot be faked. Any love I give, I pray, is undeniable because I am hoping it is just a reflection of the powerful love given to me every moment of every day by a God who is bigger than we can imagine or comprehend.

The love that I refuse to keep to myself, will never give up. Love gives us meaning, it gives us hope. I will forever see this world as beautiful through this heart I need to wear more. I pray that each person KNOWS love. I mean: agape. Self-sacrificial feelings that is deeper than a brotherly love and more intimate than any other relationship we may have.

I am thankful for my friend who holds me to these standards. I want to continually make sure others' happiness is above mine, because I am happiest when those around me are full of joy. My goal will be to make sure I am a better friend, and person to every person around me, no matter the cost. The person who I am intended to be is brought out by the people who surround me.

Love is the undeniable ability to conquer our darkest sides, and to restore us to our intended state.

We are able to overcome anything with love.

Apathy.

This has gotten way out of hand. I know I am overdramatic 99% of the time I open my mouth, but this time I am so serious and I hope, readers, that you understand that.

            Our generation is on two ends of the spectrum, generally. One side is the “generation of help”. The ones who see the problems in the society and know we are the change, and are going to DO SOMETHING about it.

            The other side is this: Apathetic. Plain and simple. They care about no one, and nothing. Most people would say they care only about themselves, but I look closer and realize that they don’t even have a backbone to stand up for something.

            This morning I heard that LibertyProblems (Twitter account) used their publicity to break people down. Words hurt. I don’t know where we all got the impression that they don’t, but they do. Our words mean something to someone, and everyone. We are more important and more impactful than we realize. When I heard that this social network coward broke someone down, I got physically sick. It hurt from my heart into my stomach. I literally thought I was going to throw up.

            We need to realize that our words are meant and intended to encourage others. We need to know that we are more IMPACTFUL than we realize and to use that power for bad instead of good is just starting a battle that will never win. Good wins in the end.  I don’t know if anyone else saw any of the superhero movies when they were younger, but GOOD DEFEATS EVIL. Every time. Be the movement in hearts that builds them back stronger, not breaks our most valuable treasure into tiny pieces struggling to recover. You mean something. Your words affect people. Words go from your mouth into the heart of another human being.

            I hope you read this, and take it into your heart. Whether your heart be guarded, locked up so that a monumental force can only affect it. Or if its too broken to think about it’s defenses. Or if your heart is swollen with love, and empathizes with the pain others endure each day. Wherever your heart is, I know these words can affect it. Your words affect my heart, bad and good.

            If you don’t believe me, notice how what others say affect you and your state. Even if it doesn’t affect you, others might be. Even if you are affected by something, others might not be. We are different and that is why we are beautiful and built for compassion.

            This is my message for you today and every day.

Appreciate where your words can go, don’t underestimate yourself and your worth, and encourage others to do the same.

Thanks for reading.

In Honor of Tomorrow...part one

I am humbled almost daily by the amount of stuff my mom went through. I am beyond grateful for the amount she went through only to keep me. There is a past that I have shared with only one person. Don’t worry, I’m not about to confess it here and now. All you need to know about it is that because of who I was my mom was the one who suffered. But while she suffered, she kept a journal. It was a journal of my road to true mental stability. If you saw me then and saw me now you would think I had a twin. That is the amount of change I have been through. There are a few people who have seen the full transformation that I’ve been through. And even if they have, I don’t think they really understand where my heart is now, or what was happening then. One day I plan to share that story. First, I have to be able to share it with more than one person. 

All of this to say, my mom put up with a lot of crap when dealing with me. I mean, every day was a constant battle for us. Even when I was having a good day, my mom knew that it might not last until tomorrow. Throughout these years, (yes, years) it was a true testimony for her unconditional love. I’ve never appreciated it until now. She allowed me freedom when I didn’t deserve it. She still took care of me, no matter that I was spitting hate in her face. She never held anything against me after our fights. And through every doctor visit, hospital stay, and new medicine she was there. She held my hand, patted my back and told me one day everything would be fine. I always hoped that one day she would be there to witness this. To hear the words “your mom would proud of you,” never fails to swell my heart. My mom was honestly the best friend that I hoped to share with the world. Spending time with my aunts and uncles always brings joy to me. I mean pure joy. I see her in every one of them and they tell me that we look and act identical. That sort of compliment is never taken lightly, and for those of you who read this, know that every word you say to me is taken to heart. Every moment we spend together is precious to me, and I wouldn't want to trade it for anything.

                For those of you who were there while we were going through our rough times, I know this seems like I am making this up. We did have bad times together, but when someone isn’t here anymore, you don’t remember those anymore. They don’t matter anymore. Her overwhelming love is what my mind remembers.

                I also want those of you who are around me now, to know that my mom and I hugged almost every time we saw each other. I was SO affectionate with her that she would get annoyed by it. Seriously, sometimes she would get up from her chair and go to the kitchen and I’d jump over the couch just to hug her and talk to her while not interrupting her shows. And if I woke up later than her, I’d kiss her cheek while walking by her chair. In the car, I would hold her hand. Even in stores I’d walk with my arm around her. The last time I saw her we did those last two. I am not ashamed of admitting any of this. I am SO happy I did it. I feel like there is no other way for her to have known my deep love for her any other way. I lost a lot of my touch-love after her. I feel like I’m starting to get it back, but it might not ever be what it used to be.

We also laughed A LOT together. Over really dumb things. Whenever we went to the store I would put super weird things in the cart and hope she wouldn't notice until the checkout. It was a game we would play. Usually it'd be things like a full turkey, or every type of toothpaste they had. Then I would put a lot of beer at the bottom of the cart, walk away, point and yell "ALCOHOLIC!". I am surprised she never left me at the store. Although she would walk really close to other people and when I followed her and start talking she'd look at me and say "Go find your mother!". It was real love.

                I know this is a long post again, but there is so much about my mom I have to say and it’s difficult for me to talk about in person. Except for the fun stories. There will be a second post for tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

Love you a lot.

Royalty.

It is Homecoming weekend, and I feel like I should share with you my thoughts, knowledge, and epiphany about the Kingdom. Before you stop reading this, even if you don’t believe, you might want to continue. But y’all know my feelings about being told what to do, so I’m not about to tell you what to do. It’s just a really, really strong suggestion.

Most of you know that I was on the Homecoming Court this year, a magnificently good thing. I have truly felt like royalty. And all the love from the friends I have and even people I don’t know supporting me through this has made my heart swell with joy. It is beyond my comprehension to realize how much love was shown to me. I’m not bragging here, and I hope that is not how you are taking this. My intentions are to show that I receive the love that is given to me, and I am both grateful and reciprocal of it. People here are more incredible than what I ever thought they were. For that, I apologize for undervaluing you.

I didn’t win, but I sure felt like a queen. This morning I got the urge to submerge myself into scripture and to figure out questions I had on my own. As I did this, I broke out my notes from the His Voice Global Weekend. At first I didn’t run into words about “The Kingdom” but as I wandered through on my own I kept coming across it, then someone texted me about the Homecoming Court. This then sparked a chain of thoughts. Now, my brain sort of works faster than my words can process, and it forgets faster than I would like it to. But as I retrace my steps I find I can go through my thoughts slower and explain them more.

When people think about dying, they often want to go to Heaven. They want to be in a safe place where things are always great. Many Christians are the ones who talk about how great Heaven will be because that’s where God’s Kingdom is. But to be completely accurate, we are called to bring the Kingdom down. This life is hard, there’s no denying that, and you need not convince me of that. So if this rings true for everyone, why would we make life any harder than it has to be? Why would we break down people when all we want for ourselves is to be built up?

In Luke 17:20-21 Jesus says “…The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed, nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you.”

There are no signs of the Kingdom because it is RIGHT HERE. We are the ones who determine how far it reaches in this world. There are people who travel all the way across the world to make sure of that. I am not just saying people from America go to India to spread the news. But people from Europe come to AMERICA to make sure WE know what’s up. And that’s an incredible testimony to our own appearance to the world. Although America is known as the powerhouse of the world, we appear broken.

Now ‘kingdom’ can mean different things to many people. The Kingdom intended for us is one where people are full of love, and generosity. Peace reigns our hearts, and self-control is the forefront of our minds. Our intentions are never to glorify ourselves, but to humble ourselves and allow others to be honored. When this happens, we are the ones who end up lonely. When we push our own ambitions at the cost of someone else, we isolate ourselves from the ones who we care about.

The most overlooked evidence of the Kingdom coming to earth is in the Lord’s Prayer. I have said this countless times, even when I was young during Mass. But it was never emphasized until last week.

“Your kingdom come, your will be done, on EARTH as it is in HEAVEN.”

I mean, c’mon.  Jesus commanded us to LOVE people, love ourselves, and love God. His will for us is to not be tied and committed to empty possessions. So you have the biggest house, nicest car, and coolest clothes, and then what? What does that mean? And when you die, what does that say about you? What else did you do with your life besides work and shop? I’m not saying work is bad, because in its purest form, business is good. But to further the Kingdom and truly bring it down to earth is to bring all things good and to live our lives to Love not only ourselves, but other people.

This is me challenging you to not be selfish. This is me pleading with you to become humble, in order to become the greatest. This is me asking you to share what you have with others who never will. If you don’t know how to start that, talk to me. I’m certain I could encourage you to do any of these things, and to show you opportunities to enhance the Kingdom.

Thank you if you read all of this, I know it was long.

Love you!

Last Night.

Last night I hung out with one of my good friends after I worked. Let me tell you that hanging out with her is always a struggle. She has a grandma bedtime, and I never sleep. My time is always occupied at times she is free, and vice versa. So we finally decided that even though I didn’t get off of work until after her bedtime yesterday, we were going to hang out. This is one point I want to make: never be too busy for your friends. Always, always, always make time for them. As tired as we both were, we needed to catch up.

Now, my friend and I are opposite on a lot of things. One thing we do have in common though is our love for people, and our desire to help. I told her how I wasn’t planning on going to college, and it may have thrown her into a fit. And when I say fit, I mean if anyone was listening to us, it sounded like I had just told her that I was planning to kill someone. She thinks I need to go to make my life easier. I told her that my life has already been through its hardest moments (I hope). I seriously don’t mind if I have a “hard” life compared to living my life in a cubicle which would make me lose my already unstable mind. So after a good twenty minutes of her freaking out, and blaming me for her losing ten years on her life from the stress I cause, she concluded to just change the subject. I may or may not have said “hallelujah” out loud.

Then to change the subject we got on the topic of depression. I told her about my past, and what I’ve done. When I told her she asked why. I’ve been asked this question once. It was by my mom. I suppose the doctors asked me also, but I’m pretty sure my answer was “because the grass is always greener.” I was still being affected by all the medicines. When she asked me, I told her. I told her everything I never said to anyone at the time, or to anyone since. Opening up is always hard for me, but it came easy to me this time. It felt good.

So this is my message for right now: that making time for your friends is important. That sacrificing something may bring you greater joy than what you intended would happen. And having someone to open up to is important. The dark thoughts surrounding your mind can be made light by the radiance of a beautiful friend.

Let everything you read here go to your head, and beyond.

I posted once that I have had self-image issues. I didn’t ever really like myself. And I mean ever. I don’t know if this was anyone’s fault, or if this is a mixture of things growing up that just accumulated over time. I remember talking with Sarah Beard once in her house about God before I ever knew anything about Him or Christianity, and I remember her telling me that He loves me, and He is proud of me. I teared up right then and there because of how great it was to hear those words-about me. I had heard them said to others around me but never really to me before. It was a beautiful moment in my heart to know that someone was thinking of me and watching my development. And believed in me.

Last week at Bigstuf, there was a speaker there who talked about how we view others, and how we should love everyone. It’s not like we are any better than anyone around us. I mean, who told us that we rule the world and are above everyone else in it? Nobody. And we should love because all of us are made in a perfect image. Each person we encounter has been made wonderfully.

Now, just for a moment think of the most beautiful scene you’ve ever laid eyes on. The white sandy beaches of the gulf? The jagged mountain ranges in Colorado? The lush green of Ireland? Or maybe it’s the vast area of space that you will never be able to comprehend. Whatever it is, I believe that God created it all. I believe that in 6 days the earth was created and on the 7^th he rested. While he was resting, he thought of a new creation-us. He made us in his image to end up becoming like him through our own free will. And you know, I think this is exactly what happened:

God created the Heavens, the earth, and the entire universe. He stopped to rest and thought to himself, this could use something. And then bam! Man was created. God took a look at the oceans, the canyons, the forests, animals, and the stars, and said “Well, that’s alright. I mean I did pretty good.” And he is content with his work. But then he looks down at you and he says “DUDE! That is perfect! Seriously, I have done no greater work than them right there.” And he says to us, “You are most perfect creation, and nothing is more beautiful in this universe than you right there, staring at the screen.”

And that my dear, beautiful, wonderful friend, is how it all came together. And that, is also why we need to appreciate ourselves, and others. The ones around you were made in an image that is deemed perfect and great. And while we are praising those around us, we must also remember to take a look in the mirror once in awhile…or all the time…and tell ourselves “Hey, you are beautiful.” And know it in our hearts that there is nothing on this earth greater than the human race. We offer something that is truly, divine. And that, my friends, is love. That’s what everything must come down to. Love ourselves. And love others. No conditions. We cannot limit who to love, and who not to love. There is just too much out there that everyone needs to experience. Every heart needs to know what it is to love.

Rebel.

I believe that most people who claim to have a certain personality trait actually don’t. They want to be that way, yet they don’t actually possess these qualities. However, I have to be one to admit a trait I know I have, but never flaunt. I am a rebel. I don’t like being told what to do. Whenever someone tells me what to do, I want to do the complete opposite just to spite them. I guess I just like to do things my own way. Obviously because I am smarter than everyone else. But seriously, I have arrogance (more to come on that trait later) that drowns out my wisdom. It grabs a hold of my judgment and takes complete control even while my real brain is whispering to me to not do what I’m about to do. I think this is why ignorant people, or even very straightedge people annoy me. I can’t handle the mundane of the ordinary or the predictability of the expected.  My heart has certain beliefs that will stand true for the rest of my life. Life and Love have taught me more things than I have even discovered about myself yet. Many times I will get in trouble for breaking the rules. Every year that I have been in high school I have gotten ISS. Seriously, the past two years it’s been every semester I had it. And it’s never for anything big, I didn’t flat out break the rule, I just bent it a little too far. Every time I go in the office the people there know me, and laugh when I tell them why I am down there. Even my principle started laughing at me after the first time. I break the rules, but I am not a bad kid. It’s been said that change is the only consistent in this world. This can be proven all over the place. People, places, and ideas will never prosper without change. Of course, change takes practice. You can’t just wake up in the morning and say “I’m gonna be a lawyer,” and it happens that day, (unless you’re Elle Woods). Really every little thing that we go through builds us up into the person we are meant to be, and in a position where we can handle the circumstances. If we ignorantly woke up one day and said “I’m going to be a Christian,” then read the 200+ rules in the Old Testament and follow them, we’d be in bad shape. You also wouldn’t technically be a Christian. There’s also a good chance of you being jailed.  People were not made to be conventional. We put ourselves in situations that require exceptions.  This is because every rule made will eventually breakdown and be powerless against transformation. I truly believe we are all in need of a revolution of love. Love is the most powerful weapon we have working in us and for us. Imagine people who love one another simply out of the grace extended from our hearts. Love to expect nothing in return, just to build others up and encourage each one of us to continue living in this dark world. We are a beautiful people separated by fear and pride. Once we learn of our beauty, our hearts will be set on fire and this world will once again be made light out of the ashes. 

So Many Things.

There are lots of things I want to talk about.

First, last Friday was my 17th birthday. Let me tell you it had to have been the best birthday I've ever had. I have so many people that love me and that I love and I am blessed to say the least. I got to spend the day with some of the greatest people who walk this earth. To start my beautiful day I got to get breakfast with the wonderful Sarah Beard!!! Yes, she was in town on my birthday. Such a great coincidence. I love her a lot. I also got to spend the afternoon with Allyson Lean, Jenna Wiles, and Lora Wiles, and Krista Koch at the movies and for ice cream. Allyson, Krista and I also had lunch with Kenzie Spencer. And after all of this, I had a family dinner.

It was a beautiful day. I am honored to have the people in my life that I do. Words couldn't express how much I love all of you. And how many other people influenced the day as well. Like Hayley White calling me and singing happy birthday over the phone. It was so wonderful. 

I also realized a change in me that hasn't been pointed out, because I don't think anyone else really would know. But I noticed that as I was reading the posts on my Facebook wall, and the texts I was receiving, all of them were personal. And I mean all of them. I know, talk to, and will continue talking to, each person who talked to me on that day. My relationships have deepened. I know things and am entrusted by most of the people who wished me a happy birthday. How awesome is that?! Over the past year, along with changing my attitude, it must have also improved my ability to communicate with people. I have genuine friendships now. God has worked in so many ways in me. My only hope is that this spreads. That each person I come into contact with sees what a real friend is, or does.

My other hope is that those people who are good friends, don't shy away from being just that. They don't consider themselves horrible friends just because sometimes they are in a bad mood, or sometimes they mess up. We all mess up, and we all have terrible moods. I have no answer for this. It just happens. Sometimes the best answer is that there isn't one, and we have to have faith that things do get better.

Another thing I wanted to talk about was Couch to 5K.

I hate running. And to say I hate running is like saying the polar ice caps melting is sort of a problem. I really don't like running.

However, I was talking with Sarah at breakfast and we started talking about how health is something that is important so that she is able to do her job. And how mental, and physical health is something we should maintain so that we are able to go out and help other people. So she talked about this app called Couch to 5K. It is super awesome, and if you want to know more about it check out her blog. I started running with it, and about a quarter of the way in I wanted to quit. It wasn't that I was totally wiped out, or out of breath, I simply wasn't enjoying it. And then a realization came over me. Christ went through so much more than we have to. He carried what we couldn't.

I know. Running doesn't seem like it's a spiritual action. But it is for many reasons. If I am able to run a 5k, I get raise so much money for causes, such as His Voice Global. I also would be in great shape to do labor for other people anywhere. Which I am totally willing and wanting to do. Today was my second day running and I truly enjoyed it. I spent much of the time rapping with Lecrae, and jammin to Owl City. And for my finishing song, How He Loves. IT WAS AWESOME. I just feel so much better, physically, and spiritually.

There's a lot more I want to say but I will leave it for another time. Maybe later today because it's been on my heart for awhile. Love you, Thanks for reading!

Of Hope and Honesty.

I have this secret. In light of recent events I think I should share it.

Many of you who read this blog know I lost my brother almost 5 years ago by his own hand. No, we didn't expect it, to answer your next question. Last Wednesday I got the news of my wonderfully beautiful friend Becca taking her own life. To say my heart broke would be an understatement. We had talked the day before. It wasn't a heart to heart talk, or anything of that matter, but we did talk. Becca was a naturally beautiful young woman with a personality that was just as beautiful. My heart physically hurts knowing that she was so lost that she thought that was the only answer. It hurts knowing that she is gone. The only way to describe it is to just say "this sucks", and mean it in a way that is far beyond the casual way it's used now. I don't like goodbyes. I hate what death means. I hate knowing there are people who have to heal a hole in their heart that will never fully close. It just sucks.


Here's my secret.
Like I said many of you know about my brother. What few of you know about is me. And before say this, know that this is not a cry for help. This is a statement of my heart.
In eighth grade I tried to commit suicide. Unsuccessfully, obviously. The help I received was only because of my mom. She took me in and comforted me after I was out of the hospital. I owe a lot of my recovery to her. I was gone for almost two weeks without any contact with my friends. For me that was a lot, considering I had relied on them for so much before that time. During the time I was in the hospital and the years after I realized that being in that state of depression truly is a sickness. Some people need medicine for it. Some people just need a way to let it out that they were never taught. My conclusion was that we need love. The months following my hospital stay I was put on tons of medicines. At one point I was taking around 15 pills a day to keep my sanity. That's not me exaggerating, that really is true. During those times my emotions were out of control. I was horrible. Yet my mom still loved me, still cared for me, and never let me get too far out of her reach. At the time I hated her, but now I appreciate it. I realized that she was loving me in her scared nature. She wasn't about to another kid to this disease.
Her actions saved me in another time also. After she passed away I was set on leaving this world. I really didn't have any where else to turn. It was after my friend asked me to go to bible study where I got to know amazing people. I had it set in my mind that I wasn't strong enough for this life and what it was bringing me. That I was always going to be facing obstacles. I made my note, had it planned, everything. I know this is more than what you might've expected, but it's been on my heart to share it-so please stay with me here.
The same night I forgot I told my friend I would go to bible study with her. That Monday I stayed later and talked to Sarah who told me there was a God who believed in me, who loved me unconditionally. Words that seemed so simple, but changed my mind in a way that I've never expressed before. The words saved my life. I was reminded of a time almost a year ago to that date that I was loved by my mother and the many kids that are family to me. A reminder that I had people who relied on me, like I needed someone to rely on. I didn't know to the extent of which God loved me or believed in me then, and I never will, but it was more than what I had known in the past and more than what I had ever experienced.
It changed my life. It saved my life. And there was more healing in that night than in any years I spent going to doctors.
I love the people in my life more than words can express. I love knowing that there is a God who is relying on me to do His work down here in a way that only He knows. I love being here to help people.
There are nights that I spend contemplating this still. There are days where I believe my birth was a burden placed on my family and friends.
Then I stop and think of the ways people have loved me when it was so hard. The time that people have invested in me to become well again. They never knew the thoughts the consumed my mind, they never said those things to prevent a death. They said it because it is truth.

My message here is to tell you there is Hope. There is hope for love that is so unbelievably huge and overwhelming we will never be able to comprehend it. My message is also to tell you that you aren't alone if you feel like this. There are many times I am told I am strong and I ask why? What makes me strong like people tell me? Truthfully, I struggle. I don't always hold my head high. But I get through those moments knowing it's a temporary feeling.

If ever you feel this way I want to talk to you. I want to love you. I want to make known to you that you are loved, and even if it's not by many, it can be. If it's not by many that doesn't matter because just one person can save a life. I want to tell you that you are gifted in a way that may be unknown to you. I want to be a friend. It may seem ordinary, and simple, but I know that having just one friend can radically change a heart. I need to do this. If you don't want to talk because you don't feel like it will help, then help me. Help me by talking to me and allowing me to see your point of view. And to be there when you think no one else is.

I keep this above my bed to remind me every day of how there is always a light when there's darkness.

Photo of the drummer is from To Write Love On Her Arms-check it out

This is my message of Hope. This is my speaking with honesty.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being there.

Alligator Sky

Over the past month I have wanted to think about the future-Stay with me here.

Last night at bible study we talked about ways we could have audacious faith, not by doing missions, but by taking a different approach to our everyday lives. And instead of using the excuse of not having the opportunity, we should open up our eyes more and we would see more ‘burning bushes’ than we think we’d see. The burning bush story comes from the story where Moses saw a bush on fire, but it was not burning up-the impossible happened.

All of that to say:

I never plan anything out. I hated thinking about the future because I was unsure of where it was to lead me. I didn’t want to voice where I was headed because to be frank, I really don’t know. This is uncommon in this world and in our culture. Most people have a plan; they know where they are headed and have an idea of what reality will be.

For me, I don’t want to live in this reality. I don’t want to wake up and have a 9-5 job like a lot of people do. I don’t want to be the logistical person who plans things out but passes up the opportunity to make it happen. I don’t want to “wait for another day”; I want to make today happen now. I want to make an opportunity for someone else to see a change made. I want the opportunity to pass on what helped change and save my life.

I was talking with a friend earlier about the future and every time she asked a question-I had an answer. A legitimate answer that could happen in real life. I discovered that I want to travel around and be a missionary for whatever organization will take me. After I said this, another friend came up and said that someone else wanted to do that exact same thing. As soon as they said that, I got goosebumps. Let me tell you, the only time I’ve ever had them is when I eat too much ice. It was a crazy feeling. It was my ‘burning bush’ or something impossible that I could see be made possible.

I don’t usually think about things that aren’t realistic simply because too many real things have brought my imagination down. My family calls me an “old soul” and my stepmom explains it because she says I’ve been around this life once or twice and I have some knowledge in me that couldn’t come from anywhere else. I hope you are picking up what I’m putting down. I’m not boasting about how mature I am, I am telling you things that come straight from the mouths of other people. Being told this stifles my inner child from coming out. Both forensics and this past year have been able to help me loosen up a bit. This helps me dream things I’ve never dreamed. Which leads me to the title…

My new favorite song is by a band that I absolutely love and desire the creativity that flows from the music. Alligator Sky by Owl City has to be one of the best songs ever recorded. Part of the song goes like this:

My imagination's taking me away 
Now I'mma dance like I never dance 
Sing like I never sing, dream like I've never dreamed 
Or try to, 'cause we've been lied to 
That the sun is somethin' that we can't fly to.

I think that many of us are brought down by reality. That this world and their expectations turn us into something we aren’t. And lie to us, making us think that the impossible isn’t possible. When in fact the impossible is the exact thing we can make possible. It’s what we are supposed to be doing. Using words like “almost” in front of words like “anything” make us think that there are things we aren’t able to do. They limit us.

The future is still unknown for me, and I love it that way. I love knowing that I am willing to be flexible and I am willing to be used for anything. I don’t know what will happen in my future. And to end this post I will leave you with this:

Even though I'll never know what's up ahead, 
I'm never lettin' go, I'm never lettin' go

Where I'm From

This was a poem I wrote for my Creative Writing class. I started out being unsure of the assignment but looking back at it now, I am really happy I did it. This is just a glimpse of where I'm from...I hope you enjoy! (yes, the cursing was necessary-they are direct sayings my family repeats.)

I am from last minute ideas,

Spring breaks spent by the ocean, and summers on the lake,

I am from getting all dressed up on Christmas Eve,

Just to go miniature golfing in the freezing,

I am from Ryan, Rachael, Caite, and Mackenna,

I am from a string of ghosts; those taken from me far too soon,

I am from a dark past of fists and belts,

The screams of a woman being drown out by my brother’s voice,

The two ghosts most prominent in my history, but never again in my future.

I am from memories being captured,

From my elders being covered in sewer “mud”,

To my brother in diapers sipping on a cold Busch light,

I am from “you’re crazier than an shit-house rat!”

And "We're in Texas now, Shit!"

I am from being on my own,

Taking care of myself, and looking out for others,

Trusting on the notion that no one can be trusted,

I am from being abandoned and lost in the midst of chaos,

I am from the stubbornness of a mule,

To the unconditional love from a mother,

I am from a family that extends far beyond blood,

Friends who’ve been there in my weakest times,

I am from a youth pastor who saw something in a cynical, walled off teenager,

Transformed into a kinder, trusting spirit,

I am from big dreams and small expectations,

I am from a world that likes to be rocked constantly.

Thoughts surrounding life.

1. I have come to the conclusion that being happy, and not worrying about yourself, brings out the best in you.

2. There are few things I know I can fall back on. One of them being God, the others are the people who are closest to me. The group that builds me up, not breaks me down. Which leads me to my next point...

3. This is a tough one for me to swallow. I know I love people, and this includes everyone. I know that in any given situation I would put my life on the line if it meant keeping someone else safe. My problem is knowing when it is okay for me to give up the fight, put my armor down, and walk away. I find that a lot of times with my family, I am easily dismissed, and that I can be irrational with them. I was talking with a friend of mine earlier and she told me to voice my opinion. We have had this discussion before, and we both have different views on the matter-which is totally cool. She tells me to voice my opinion more on matters that concern others, and I tell her to hush hers. I have found that certain people aren't going to change, no matter how, or in what language you speak up. Their beliefs are concrete most of the time, and telling them the opposite just stirs the pot and causes drama. The reason I call this drama is because you know going in that your voice will not be heard, yet you still try over and over again. Let me remind everyone of the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I love the people, but I hate what talking to them brings me to.

4. If someone is praying for you to fail, or pray for bad things to happen to you- THEY AREN'T REALLY PRAYING! Prayer is a time to ask for the strength, wisdom, or whatever you need to build others up in a situation. 1 Thessalonian 5:11 says "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up..." If our intent is to harm someone else, we get nothing out of that. And praying that sort of prayer only tells God that you have no idea what he is, or what he wants from us. God is good, He is Love.


5. I literally lost the ability to feel hunger. I don't know why, or how. I don't want to think my body is failing me.


6. I need to find a way to be 18, or get a fake I.D. classifying me as a legal adult. It is super hard to do anything in life being underage. Like pay for a phone. This goes back to me hating how young I am.


7. Sometimes I think about my life, and I think about the situation my life was brought into. It would've been so much easier for my parents to never have had me. I am not being depressing. I'm being real. 
My mom and my dad did NOT love each other when they had me. They were at a point where they were both unhappy with each other. 
I was what kept them miserably together. 
They felt bad for divorcing because I was so young. 
I am the most difficult child for them. I don't do what they expect out of their kids, making parenting very challenging. 
My mom would not have had to wait for her back surgery-the one that they had to reschedule with a different doctor who ended up messing up. 
She also would not have gotten Chronic Pancreatitis because the doctors would not have preformed the fourth C-section. Putting more years in her life.
My brother and older sister would not have felt the need to take care of me. Putting an extra burden on them and taking precious time away from their childhood.


These are not things I am saying for attention- they are real life problems that could've been prevented had I not been around. I did not think these up, they have been told to me countless times by people.
I'm sorry if this seemed depressing. I did not intend for it to become that. These are the thoughts the consume my mind daily.

There's More...

While I love the memories I have with my mom I never really got over the fact that we will never make new ones. And I love the pictures we have now, but we will never take more recent ones. This is a sad realization for me, yet I am comforted by this burden too. You see, without my mom’s death, I don’t think I would be where I am today, and I certainly wouldn't know the people I know today. This post is not simply in response to, it is a message that has been in my heart and today I think is the best day to express how I feel.

Sarah Beard is someone I care about so much. And if anyone has ever heard me talk, chances are, you’ve heard her name mentioned in a few of the memories I share. Her recent blog was such a blessing for me. It was an honor to read what she said about me, and to read what she did in memory of my mom, Maureen Patricia Rowe.

Sarah stepped into my life right around the time my mom passed away. Sarah entered my life in a way that was new to me. Having someone be my leader voluntarily, and willingly. She has taught me many things in the past year and a half that shaped who I am, and who I am growing into. I continue my walk with her even while she is miles away and I find that she will continue to be in my life with this distance. However, in this past year and a half it has been a blessing to have her take me in – as one of her own. I am truly honored to be a part of her life and to have grown with her by my side. There are many reasons why I can be sad about what happened with my mom, and there are many times where I let that sadness out. But I think a lot about how that event has led me to where I am, and to know who Sarah is.

Today is a day where I celebrate my own mom

And a day when I rejoice with the people who share an unconditional love, similar to that of a mother.

Sarah- I love you so much, and I am very grateful for your presence in my life and in my heart. The words you shared with me yesterday mean more than what I know how to say. You are truly one of the greatest people I know. I am honored to continue on this Walk with you. I hope that today you see how Mother's Day can be a blessing in disguise. I am who I am today because of you, and I am extremely humbled knowing how much you believe in me. You are changing the world, and have already changed the it with your presence. I pray that you see how much you affect all of us, and especially me.

There are so many other moms out there that I owe a shout out to as well. So many do wonderful things for their children, and for me. I am extremely grateful when it comes to people who are here for me and who are looking out for me. Happy Mother's Day to every mother, and leader in my life. Thank you for being wonderful. I love you so much!

140 characters just doesn't do it justice

So…I have decided to share with you reasons why I love and appreciate what my mother did for me in the short time I had with her. I say short, but really 15 years is a long time, just not as long as most have. This is very similar to Sarah Beard’s post, and for that I am sorry for not being original, but it is very helpful.

1.   1. My mom dressed up, and got all pretty just to sit in the house all day. There would be no reason to go out, no one to impress coming over, and it certainly wasn’t a holiday every day. But she dressed up. Looked absolutely gorgeous just for herself. And that makes me very happy to know that she didn’t need anyone else to make her feel beautiful or any reason besides herself to get all dolled up.

2.   2. She took care of everyone. My friends soon became like her children. She would talk to them about things their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to them about and she made it easy. There were countless times I came home to find my friends in my house watching tv with my mom. In the same respect, she made dinner for all of my friends. There would always be enough for everyone to have more than their fair share of dinner.

3.   3. She was the only disabled person who still could take me down. Seriously she has superhuman strength.

4.   4.  My mom told me how to not get caught and how to get out of certain situations. Like for her typing class, she got out of doing any work because she always had long fake nails that prevented her from being able to type correctly without hitting other keys. She always used to catch me in it though and told me “you can’t con a con”.

5.   5. My mom was extremely outgoing. She did random voices all of the time. Mostly to annoy me, but also to be really awesome.

6.  6. She loved to be ornery which is where I get it. She would purposely do things (like call me Zoey) to annoy me. She would also do really inappropriate things in public and then BLAME ME and scolded me in front of everyone for something SHE did! It was both humiliating and really funny.

7.   7. She broke every electronic device she touched, beyond repair. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. I don’t even know what she touched but it always ended up breaking and we always had to get something new. When we bought the laptop I am currently using, we made a rule that she could not touch it when she was not in her lesson. Yes, I gave her lessons on how to use the computer.

8.  8. She saved everything that could, at one point, be considered valuable. I don’t mean like jewelry (which she had too much of) but of papers, notes, cards, anything like that. She also saved all of us kids’ school papers and stuff. In her safety deposit box was all of the writings and songs that I had written while being there. She also kept copies in the house as well. It was great to find those, and it was even greater knowing she put them in there.

I love my mom. I know I have blogged about her before but she made a huge impact on my life. She has always been one of my leaders and one my very best friends, even through our worst times. There is not a day that goes by without me thinking about her. Every time I look in the mirror I see her smile reflecting back at me. There is so much of me, and so much of my heart that I owe to my mom and to the way she raised me. A lot of my beliefs are what they are because that’s what she preached and practiced. Not many people do that, but she did, and I admire her for that. Looking through her pictures I realize how beautiful she really was. I am proud to be her daughter and never will I be ashamed of that.

"A love so bold to see a revolution, somehow"

We have grown up, or grown into, a world that chooses themselves over anyone else. We choose to buy more things for ourselves than giving to those who need the basics. We choose to put down those who we feel are outcasts, only to make ourselves seem more superior. We proclaim that we are “broke” when we are richer than the majority who lives on $2 a day or less.  We rejoice in the death of someone who rejoiced in bringing death to someone’s brothers and sisters, making us no better. We spread the hate against our brothers and sisters by taking pride in our own country.

I get it. We all want to be the best. We are America after all, and we have to be the trendsetters of the world.

Do we really not see the ignorance in this?

People have existed before us and have done greater things than many of us will ever achieve by living this way. By condemning those around us for their mistakes while not realizing we are committing a vicious crime against our neighbors by placing guilt in their hearts. Instead of fixing ourselves, I think we have made the main focus of our lives trying to change those around us. We justify our actions by proclaiming that they “deserve it”.

So many of us are known for what they stand against, instead of what we need to stand for. People do a lot of criticizing and condemning when what we need to be doing is build something to spark a revolution. This movement will express the power of this love that has rescued us from ourselves and brought a light into our hearts and set them on fire.

I have big dreams. That is obvious if you read this blog. One of them includes becoming a sea turtle when I am older. The main one though is changing the world for the better. I know that there is a reason I am here, a purpose to fulfill.

My fear is that I will miss it.

My comfort is knowing I have a radically transformed heart.

These are my thoughts for now.

Not my proudest moment.

I have been feeling very bitter the past weeks. I don't know why, I just have. I have been craving my old life, my old heart returned, and the thoughts I had escaped found me once again.
Doubts keep my thoughts running wild, and stifling my faith. Yesterday I found myself mad. Truly furious. For no apparent reason. It scared me enough to realize my thoughts behind the anger. The person whom I was arguing with pointed me in the right direction with her words, even though I didn't show it at the time. She told me that the people who care for me that are distanced or going to be distanced from me care for me with the same passion that the Lord has for me. They view me as He does.
It hit me really hard. I've never viewed it like that before. As much trust I have in God, I should have in them. It's just hard. It will be very hard. But I am going to try, little by little. I just don't know that I need to stay in communication with them.which may sound bad, but its just going to make me miss them more.
I need to figure out where my heart is now.
I just have more to say than what people can hear.
I'm sorry for the sad posts recently. I hope they will start improving.

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