Not my proudest moment.

I have been feeling very bitter the past weeks. I don't know why, I just have. I have been craving my old life, my old heart returned, and the thoughts I had escaped found me once again.
Doubts keep my thoughts running wild, and stifling my faith. Yesterday I found myself mad. Truly furious. For no apparent reason. It scared me enough to realize my thoughts behind the anger. The person whom I was arguing with pointed me in the right direction with her words, even though I didn't show it at the time. She told me that the people who care for me that are distanced or going to be distanced from me care for me with the same passion that the Lord has for me. They view me as He does.
It hit me really hard. I've never viewed it like that before. As much trust I have in God, I should have in them. It's just hard. It will be very hard. But I am going to try, little by little. I just don't know that I need to stay in communication with them.which may sound bad, but its just going to make me miss them more.
I need to figure out where my heart is now.
I just have more to say than what people can hear.
I'm sorry for the sad posts recently. I hope they will start improving.

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My heart is a little more sad than usual.

I know kids complain about being young a lot, but I really hate it. I also know that most adults say to enjoy it now while it’s good, and I can see why they say that. They say it because they aren’t doing what they are supposed to be. They are not allowing God to truly work in their life and move them where they are called. Granted, this is a really broad statement, but I think it’s true. I never want to end up sitting down all day behind a desk, not living up to my potential. Or better yet, not living out the life I was intended to live. I want to spread Truth to those who don’t know it. Or to those who have heard the watered down version. I have no idea how this will happen, but I am not worried about that.

Also, I said my “see you later” to Sarah and Andrew yesterday morning/Monday night. It was interesting. I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy either. I have mixed emotions now because I am reflecting back on this past year and a half with them. I have learned so much and I have come a very long way from who I used to be. I continue to grow in different ways, and I thank them so much for being my leaders through this. They are the best example anyone could see, and they are able to teach by simply living their life with love. I really am so blessed and grateful to have shared the talks that I did with Sarah. She loved me even when I made it the most difficult task, and believed in me when no one ever had.

Sometimes I have a really hard time showing how I really feel. When talking with Sarah Monday night, I found myself at a loss for words (which yes, I realize this seldom happens). Maybe I was just lacking the right words to say. Sarah…you have influenced my life in more ways than you know. I am truly honored to have you in my life. Thank you for having patience with me, even when it was really tough. I could not be who I am today without you.

Andre

I work with a man by the name of Andre. He is a cook with a beautiful smile. He speaks mainly in Spanish so I only pick up a little of what he says, but he is patient with me.
He gives everyone sincere and genuine compliments, and jokes around with everyone. He is so giving. At the Rob he offers me free food and has helped me cook using their machines.
Today he offered me green tea from Panera on the house. I love talking with him. He is such a fun spirit. He will never know I am writing this. But I love knowing he sees no difference in anyone. He has such a giving nature and a patient heart. I feel honored to know him.
Sometimes its the least expected people who open your eyes to great things.
That is what I felt the need to share today.

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Look Good, Do Good.

Hey guys,
My youth pastor, Sarah Beard, is starting this job for an organization called His Voice Global. They have done and are continuing to do so many great things in the world.

Currently they teamed up with this company

And are selling really awesome shirts that look like:

They are helping to fund the 4th orphanage that His Voice is building.
If you are interested in purchasing one click ReVIVE
Spread the word!

Very Humbling.

All throughout my childhood I was taught to always stand up for what I believe in. God tells us to never hide our faith and to never reject Him. I find myself arguing with friends over small things that are the foundations for my faith. Things like loving people, or being kind to everyone. I had this argument again today at lunch and I said that I genuinely do love people. Not just my friends, everyone. My friend said "Well, I don't know people enough to love them." and I countered with "So you hold a standard to your love?" and to that he said yes. I can't do that. What makes me so good as to judge others on who deserves love and who doesn't? That's no ones job. Jesus hung out with people considered lowly and shady people and loved them just as He loves you and me. That's because Jesus didn't see a prostitute, he saw a lost woman. He didn't see a hideous man with an incurable disease, He saw a man who needed to be healed by a touch. That's exactly what I want to be like. It's hard not to judge people when you've done it you're whole life, but I believe that God will work wonders in those who truly want it.
Anyway, as we were debating this, I was finding it hard to say that my love comes from God. That through Him we are able to love and that I love because that's exactly what we are called to do. I have a deep caring for people. I didn't think that it was that big of deal, but apparently it is. I think this is what it means when God says "If you were of the world, the world would embrace you as one of it's own, but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.". I am not exactly sure, but I am fairly certain these friends don't hate me. I just don't think they will understand why I think and act the way I do without knowing about the strength of my faith. Which leads me to the point of this: I could not for the life of me tell them why I love people. I was scared. I know I shouldn't have been but I was. I am praying that the Lord will know my heart and know that if put in the same situation again, I will state my faith. This was an incredible lesson today.

Nostalgia.

Hello Friends,
Today I took what my mom would call a "mental health day". Basically, I just didn't want to do anything but lay around all day. As it turns out our school called an early release anyway, so it doesn't exactly matter. When I lived with my mom we would take these days and have some of the greatest times of my life. We wouldn't ever really do much but our conversations were filled with so many different viewpoints and just weird thoughts. Sometimes we even talked in different voices and continued that conversation in that same voice. Our activities included watching Real Housewives, Kathy Griffin, and eating twice baked potatoes. We may or may not have eaten a twice bake the size of my face for every meal. This does include breakfast and Fourthmeal.

During the winter break of my freshman year there were at least 5 people living in my house consistently each night. Sometimes a few more would join. Even after school started we would have sleepovers and my mom would be in her room all day and we thought she was asleep, so when 3 o'clock rolled around we would rush outside and make footprints in the snow making it appear like we went to school. However, when we got inside she was awake and said "Ha ha nice try, I could hear you girls all day." So our plans never exactly worked out the way we intended. But she always gave us a B for effort. Seriously, that's what she said.

My mom was also obsessed with Christmas. And I don't just mean she really liked it, I mean we had Santa figures up all year long. One day we accidently broke a wooden reindeer. There were four of us trying to fix it and one of us standing guard at my mom's bedroom. When she came out of the room three of them flew down the stairs and tossed the reindeer into my backyard. They through the broken antler with it, and it was never recovered. Eventually we put the reindeer back but my mom NEVER NOTICED. It was so great. It was also the only thing I think I ever got away with.
That is all for now. Enjoy your day!

Uncertain Safety.

It's been awhile so I thought I should update. I also just have the urge to write.
I recently just finished Crazy Love by Francis Chan, which is totally heart changing. That's the only way I can describe it. As I was reading it I had to pause and think on what he was saying and meaning, then I would apply it to my every day thought process. Eventually I just had to finish it so I sped-read through the last half and was in complete awe.
One of the points that he makes is that following Christ can mean different things to different people. Some people feel called to sell everything and move to a third world country, ministering and aiding the poor and suffering, while others should stay right where they are and be the example of a true Christian to the unbelievers surrounding them. And no matter what it is, we shouldn't fear anything because no matter what, God is going to bless us in the end. He promised to never leave us or forsake us, so why would we be afraid?
While I may be young, I am also very passionate for what I know to be true. And Truth is something that should be known to everyone. I am in the stage of my life where I should be preparing for what I want to be doing with my life, and making decisions and back-up plans all of this just to be safe. When people say this it takes almost everything in me not to laugh in their face. I don't want to be safe, I want to be doing what I am called to do. I want to be someone who is living out their full potential in ways beyond academics, and money. Using my life to minister to those who don't know Truth, and to help those who don't have access to things we take for granted. I don't think many people know this about me, but it's been weighing on my heart for awhile now.
Now, don't get me wrong. I still have no idea where my life is headed to after high school. I know what I am wanting to do and what I am willing to do. There are many sacrifices that I am willing to make when/if the time comes for me to make them. I was talking to my sister about it and I told her how I knew the danger my life would be in. But then I realized the kind of danger these people faced every day without the hope of The Lord, and without guidance from the Holy Spirit that many church-goers take for granted and even ignore. That is the kind of stuff that I think about while I should be paying attention during algebra II.
I realize that my dreams might be a little ambitious and could seem out of the realm of possibility but I could make it happen one day. Who knows, I might even change a life.
Thanks for reading.