Many of you who read this blog know I lost my brother almost 5 years ago by his own hand. No, we didn't expect it, to answer your next question. Last Wednesday I got the news of my wonderfully beautiful friend Becca taking her own life. To say my heart broke would be an understatement. We had talked the day before. It wasn't a heart to heart talk, or anything of that matter, but we did talk. Becca was a naturally beautiful young woman with a personality that was just as beautiful. My heart physically hurts knowing that she was so lost that she thought that was the only answer. It hurts knowing that she is gone. The only way to describe it is to just say "this sucks", and mean it in a way that is far beyond the casual way it's used now. I don't like goodbyes. I hate what death means. I hate knowing there are people who have to heal a hole in their heart that will never fully close. It just sucks.
Here's my secret.
Like I said many of you know about my brother. What few of you know about is me. And before say this, know that this is not a cry for help. This is a statement of my heart.
In eighth grade I tried to commit suicide. Unsuccessfully, obviously. The help I received was only because of my mom. She took me in and comforted me after I was out of the hospital. I owe a lot of my recovery to her. I was gone for almost two weeks without any contact with my friends. For me that was a lot, considering I had relied on them for so much before that time. During the time I was in the hospital and the years after I realized that being in that state of depression truly is a sickness. Some people need medicine for it. Some people just need a way to let it out that they were never taught. My conclusion was that we need love. The months following my hospital stay I was put on tons of medicines. At one point I was taking around 15 pills a day to keep my sanity. That's not me exaggerating, that really is true. During those times my emotions were out of control. I was horrible. Yet my mom still loved me, still cared for me, and never let me get too far out of her reach. At the time I hated her, but now I appreciate it. I realized that she was loving me in her scared nature. She wasn't about to another kid to this disease.
Her actions saved me in another time also. After she passed away I was set on leaving this world. I really didn't have any where else to turn. It was after my friend asked me to go to bible study where I got to know amazing people. I had it set in my mind that I wasn't strong enough for this life and what it was bringing me. That I was always going to be facing obstacles. I made my note, had it planned, everything. I know this is more than what you might've expected, but it's been on my heart to share it-so please stay with me here.
The same night I forgot I told my friend I would go to bible study with her. That Monday I stayed later and talked to Sarah who told me there was a God who believed in me, who loved me unconditionally. Words that seemed so simple, but changed my mind in a way that I've never expressed before. The words saved my life. I was reminded of a time almost a year ago to that date that I was loved by my mother and the many kids that are family to me. A reminder that I had people who relied on me, like I needed someone to rely on. I didn't know to the extent of which God loved me or believed in me then, and I never will, but it was more than what I had known in the past and more than what I had ever experienced.
It changed my life. It saved my life. And there was more healing in that night than in any years I spent going to doctors.
I love the people in my life more than words can express. I love knowing that there is a God who is relying on me to do His work down here in a way that only He knows. I love being here to help people.
There are nights that I spend contemplating this still. There are days where I believe my birth was a burden placed on my family and friends.
Then I stop and think of the ways people have loved me when it was so hard. The time that people have invested in me to become well again. They never knew the thoughts the consumed my mind, they never said those things to prevent a death. They said it because it is truth.
My message here is to tell you there is Hope. There is hope for love that is so unbelievably huge and overwhelming we will never be able to comprehend it. My message is also to tell you that you aren't alone if you feel like this. There are many times I am told I am strong and I ask why? What makes me strong like people tell me? Truthfully, I struggle. I don't always hold my head high. But I get through those moments knowing it's a temporary feeling.
If ever you feel this way I want to talk to you. I want to love you. I want to make known to you that you are loved, and even if it's not by many, it can be. If it's not by many that doesn't matter because just one person can save a life. I want to tell you that you are gifted in a way that may be unknown to you. I want to be a friend. It may seem ordinary, and simple, but I know that having just one friend can radically change a heart. I need to do this. If you don't want to talk because you don't feel like it will help, then help me. Help me by talking to me and allowing me to see your point of view. And to be there when you think no one else is.
I keep this above my bed to remind me every day of how there is always a light when there's darkness.
Photo of the drummer is from To Write Love On Her Arms-check it out
This is my message of Hope. This is my speaking with honesty.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being there.