Last Night.

Last night I hung out with one of my good friends after I worked. Let me tell you that hanging out with her is always a struggle. She has a grandma bedtime, and I never sleep. My time is always occupied at times she is free, and vice versa. So we finally decided that even though I didn’t get off of work until after her bedtime yesterday, we were going to hang out. This is one point I want to make: never be too busy for your friends. Always, always, always make time for them. As tired as we both were, we needed to catch up.

Now, my friend and I are opposite on a lot of things. One thing we do have in common though is our love for people, and our desire to help. I told her how I wasn’t planning on going to college, and it may have thrown her into a fit. And when I say fit, I mean if anyone was listening to us, it sounded like I had just told her that I was planning to kill someone. She thinks I need to go to make my life easier. I told her that my life has already been through its hardest moments (I hope). I seriously don’t mind if I have a “hard” life compared to living my life in a cubicle which would make me lose my already unstable mind. So after a good twenty minutes of her freaking out, and blaming me for her losing ten years on her life from the stress I cause, she concluded to just change the subject. I may or may not have said “hallelujah” out loud.

Then to change the subject we got on the topic of depression. I told her about my past, and what I’ve done. When I told her she asked why. I’ve been asked this question once. It was by my mom. I suppose the doctors asked me also, but I’m pretty sure my answer was “because the grass is always greener.” I was still being affected by all the medicines. When she asked me, I told her. I told her everything I never said to anyone at the time, or to anyone since. Opening up is always hard for me, but it came easy to me this time. It felt good.

So this is my message for right now: that making time for your friends is important. That sacrificing something may bring you greater joy than what you intended would happen. And having someone to open up to is important. The dark thoughts surrounding your mind can be made light by the radiance of a beautiful friend.

Let everything you read here go to your head, and beyond.

I posted once that I have had self-image issues. I didn’t ever really like myself. And I mean ever. I don’t know if this was anyone’s fault, or if this is a mixture of things growing up that just accumulated over time. I remember talking with Sarah Beard once in her house about God before I ever knew anything about Him or Christianity, and I remember her telling me that He loves me, and He is proud of me. I teared up right then and there because of how great it was to hear those words-about me. I had heard them said to others around me but never really to me before. It was a beautiful moment in my heart to know that someone was thinking of me and watching my development. And believed in me.

Last week at Bigstuf, there was a speaker there who talked about how we view others, and how we should love everyone. It’s not like we are any better than anyone around us. I mean, who told us that we rule the world and are above everyone else in it? Nobody. And we should love because all of us are made in a perfect image. Each person we encounter has been made wonderfully.

Now, just for a moment think of the most beautiful scene you’ve ever laid eyes on. The white sandy beaches of the gulf? The jagged mountain ranges in Colorado? The lush green of Ireland? Or maybe it’s the vast area of space that you will never be able to comprehend. Whatever it is, I believe that God created it all. I believe that in 6 days the earth was created and on the 7^th he rested. While he was resting, he thought of a new creation-us. He made us in his image to end up becoming like him through our own free will. And you know, I think this is exactly what happened:

God created the Heavens, the earth, and the entire universe. He stopped to rest and thought to himself, this could use something. And then bam! Man was created. God took a look at the oceans, the canyons, the forests, animals, and the stars, and said “Well, that’s alright. I mean I did pretty good.” And he is content with his work. But then he looks down at you and he says “DUDE! That is perfect! Seriously, I have done no greater work than them right there.” And he says to us, “You are most perfect creation, and nothing is more beautiful in this universe than you right there, staring at the screen.”

And that my dear, beautiful, wonderful friend, is how it all came together. And that, is also why we need to appreciate ourselves, and others. The ones around you were made in an image that is deemed perfect and great. And while we are praising those around us, we must also remember to take a look in the mirror once in awhile…or all the time…and tell ourselves “Hey, you are beautiful.” And know it in our hearts that there is nothing on this earth greater than the human race. We offer something that is truly, divine. And that, my friends, is love. That’s what everything must come down to. Love ourselves. And love others. No conditions. We cannot limit who to love, and who not to love. There is just too much out there that everyone needs to experience. Every heart needs to know what it is to love.

Rebel.

I believe that most people who claim to have a certain personality trait actually don’t. They want to be that way, yet they don’t actually possess these qualities. However, I have to be one to admit a trait I know I have, but never flaunt. I am a rebel. I don’t like being told what to do. Whenever someone tells me what to do, I want to do the complete opposite just to spite them. I guess I just like to do things my own way. Obviously because I am smarter than everyone else. But seriously, I have arrogance (more to come on that trait later) that drowns out my wisdom. It grabs a hold of my judgment and takes complete control even while my real brain is whispering to me to not do what I’m about to do. I think this is why ignorant people, or even very straightedge people annoy me. I can’t handle the mundane of the ordinary or the predictability of the expected.  My heart has certain beliefs that will stand true for the rest of my life. Life and Love have taught me more things than I have even discovered about myself yet. Many times I will get in trouble for breaking the rules. Every year that I have been in high school I have gotten ISS. Seriously, the past two years it’s been every semester I had it. And it’s never for anything big, I didn’t flat out break the rule, I just bent it a little too far. Every time I go in the office the people there know me, and laugh when I tell them why I am down there. Even my principle started laughing at me after the first time. I break the rules, but I am not a bad kid. It’s been said that change is the only consistent in this world. This can be proven all over the place. People, places, and ideas will never prosper without change. Of course, change takes practice. You can’t just wake up in the morning and say “I’m gonna be a lawyer,” and it happens that day, (unless you’re Elle Woods). Really every little thing that we go through builds us up into the person we are meant to be, and in a position where we can handle the circumstances. If we ignorantly woke up one day and said “I’m going to be a Christian,” then read the 200+ rules in the Old Testament and follow them, we’d be in bad shape. You also wouldn’t technically be a Christian. There’s also a good chance of you being jailed.  People were not made to be conventional. We put ourselves in situations that require exceptions.  This is because every rule made will eventually breakdown and be powerless against transformation. I truly believe we are all in need of a revolution of love. Love is the most powerful weapon we have working in us and for us. Imagine people who love one another simply out of the grace extended from our hearts. Love to expect nothing in return, just to build others up and encourage each one of us to continue living in this dark world. We are a beautiful people separated by fear and pride. Once we learn of our beauty, our hearts will be set on fire and this world will once again be made light out of the ashes. 

So Many Things.

There are lots of things I want to talk about.

First, last Friday was my 17th birthday. Let me tell you it had to have been the best birthday I've ever had. I have so many people that love me and that I love and I am blessed to say the least. I got to spend the day with some of the greatest people who walk this earth. To start my beautiful day I got to get breakfast with the wonderful Sarah Beard!!! Yes, she was in town on my birthday. Such a great coincidence. I love her a lot. I also got to spend the afternoon with Allyson Lean, Jenna Wiles, and Lora Wiles, and Krista Koch at the movies and for ice cream. Allyson, Krista and I also had lunch with Kenzie Spencer. And after all of this, I had a family dinner.

It was a beautiful day. I am honored to have the people in my life that I do. Words couldn't express how much I love all of you. And how many other people influenced the day as well. Like Hayley White calling me and singing happy birthday over the phone. It was so wonderful. 

I also realized a change in me that hasn't been pointed out, because I don't think anyone else really would know. But I noticed that as I was reading the posts on my Facebook wall, and the texts I was receiving, all of them were personal. And I mean all of them. I know, talk to, and will continue talking to, each person who talked to me on that day. My relationships have deepened. I know things and am entrusted by most of the people who wished me a happy birthday. How awesome is that?! Over the past year, along with changing my attitude, it must have also improved my ability to communicate with people. I have genuine friendships now. God has worked in so many ways in me. My only hope is that this spreads. That each person I come into contact with sees what a real friend is, or does.

My other hope is that those people who are good friends, don't shy away from being just that. They don't consider themselves horrible friends just because sometimes they are in a bad mood, or sometimes they mess up. We all mess up, and we all have terrible moods. I have no answer for this. It just happens. Sometimes the best answer is that there isn't one, and we have to have faith that things do get better.

Another thing I wanted to talk about was Couch to 5K.

I hate running. And to say I hate running is like saying the polar ice caps melting is sort of a problem. I really don't like running.

However, I was talking with Sarah at breakfast and we started talking about how health is something that is important so that she is able to do her job. And how mental, and physical health is something we should maintain so that we are able to go out and help other people. So she talked about this app called Couch to 5K. It is super awesome, and if you want to know more about it check out her blog. I started running with it, and about a quarter of the way in I wanted to quit. It wasn't that I was totally wiped out, or out of breath, I simply wasn't enjoying it. And then a realization came over me. Christ went through so much more than we have to. He carried what we couldn't.

I know. Running doesn't seem like it's a spiritual action. But it is for many reasons. If I am able to run a 5k, I get raise so much money for causes, such as His Voice Global. I also would be in great shape to do labor for other people anywhere. Which I am totally willing and wanting to do. Today was my second day running and I truly enjoyed it. I spent much of the time rapping with Lecrae, and jammin to Owl City. And for my finishing song, How He Loves. IT WAS AWESOME. I just feel so much better, physically, and spiritually.

There's a lot more I want to say but I will leave it for another time. Maybe later today because it's been on my heart for awhile. Love you, Thanks for reading!

Of Hope and Honesty.

I have this secret. In light of recent events I think I should share it.

Many of you who read this blog know I lost my brother almost 5 years ago by his own hand. No, we didn't expect it, to answer your next question. Last Wednesday I got the news of my wonderfully beautiful friend Becca taking her own life. To say my heart broke would be an understatement. We had talked the day before. It wasn't a heart to heart talk, or anything of that matter, but we did talk. Becca was a naturally beautiful young woman with a personality that was just as beautiful. My heart physically hurts knowing that she was so lost that she thought that was the only answer. It hurts knowing that she is gone. The only way to describe it is to just say "this sucks", and mean it in a way that is far beyond the casual way it's used now. I don't like goodbyes. I hate what death means. I hate knowing there are people who have to heal a hole in their heart that will never fully close. It just sucks.


Here's my secret.
Like I said many of you know about my brother. What few of you know about is me. And before say this, know that this is not a cry for help. This is a statement of my heart.
In eighth grade I tried to commit suicide. Unsuccessfully, obviously. The help I received was only because of my mom. She took me in and comforted me after I was out of the hospital. I owe a lot of my recovery to her. I was gone for almost two weeks without any contact with my friends. For me that was a lot, considering I had relied on them for so much before that time. During the time I was in the hospital and the years after I realized that being in that state of depression truly is a sickness. Some people need medicine for it. Some people just need a way to let it out that they were never taught. My conclusion was that we need love. The months following my hospital stay I was put on tons of medicines. At one point I was taking around 15 pills a day to keep my sanity. That's not me exaggerating, that really is true. During those times my emotions were out of control. I was horrible. Yet my mom still loved me, still cared for me, and never let me get too far out of her reach. At the time I hated her, but now I appreciate it. I realized that she was loving me in her scared nature. She wasn't about to another kid to this disease.
Her actions saved me in another time also. After she passed away I was set on leaving this world. I really didn't have any where else to turn. It was after my friend asked me to go to bible study where I got to know amazing people. I had it set in my mind that I wasn't strong enough for this life and what it was bringing me. That I was always going to be facing obstacles. I made my note, had it planned, everything. I know this is more than what you might've expected, but it's been on my heart to share it-so please stay with me here.
The same night I forgot I told my friend I would go to bible study with her. That Monday I stayed later and talked to Sarah who told me there was a God who believed in me, who loved me unconditionally. Words that seemed so simple, but changed my mind in a way that I've never expressed before. The words saved my life. I was reminded of a time almost a year ago to that date that I was loved by my mother and the many kids that are family to me. A reminder that I had people who relied on me, like I needed someone to rely on. I didn't know to the extent of which God loved me or believed in me then, and I never will, but it was more than what I had known in the past and more than what I had ever experienced.
It changed my life. It saved my life. And there was more healing in that night than in any years I spent going to doctors.
I love the people in my life more than words can express. I love knowing that there is a God who is relying on me to do His work down here in a way that only He knows. I love being here to help people.
There are nights that I spend contemplating this still. There are days where I believe my birth was a burden placed on my family and friends.
Then I stop and think of the ways people have loved me when it was so hard. The time that people have invested in me to become well again. They never knew the thoughts the consumed my mind, they never said those things to prevent a death. They said it because it is truth.

My message here is to tell you there is Hope. There is hope for love that is so unbelievably huge and overwhelming we will never be able to comprehend it. My message is also to tell you that you aren't alone if you feel like this. There are many times I am told I am strong and I ask why? What makes me strong like people tell me? Truthfully, I struggle. I don't always hold my head high. But I get through those moments knowing it's a temporary feeling.

If ever you feel this way I want to talk to you. I want to love you. I want to make known to you that you are loved, and even if it's not by many, it can be. If it's not by many that doesn't matter because just one person can save a life. I want to tell you that you are gifted in a way that may be unknown to you. I want to be a friend. It may seem ordinary, and simple, but I know that having just one friend can radically change a heart. I need to do this. If you don't want to talk because you don't feel like it will help, then help me. Help me by talking to me and allowing me to see your point of view. And to be there when you think no one else is.

I keep this above my bed to remind me every day of how there is always a light when there's darkness.

Photo of the drummer is from To Write Love On Her Arms-check it out

This is my message of Hope. This is my speaking with honesty.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being there.

Alligator Sky

Over the past month I have wanted to think about the future-Stay with me here.

Last night at bible study we talked about ways we could have audacious faith, not by doing missions, but by taking a different approach to our everyday lives. And instead of using the excuse of not having the opportunity, we should open up our eyes more and we would see more ‘burning bushes’ than we think we’d see. The burning bush story comes from the story where Moses saw a bush on fire, but it was not burning up-the impossible happened.

All of that to say:

I never plan anything out. I hated thinking about the future because I was unsure of where it was to lead me. I didn’t want to voice where I was headed because to be frank, I really don’t know. This is uncommon in this world and in our culture. Most people have a plan; they know where they are headed and have an idea of what reality will be.

For me, I don’t want to live in this reality. I don’t want to wake up and have a 9-5 job like a lot of people do. I don’t want to be the logistical person who plans things out but passes up the opportunity to make it happen. I don’t want to “wait for another day”; I want to make today happen now. I want to make an opportunity for someone else to see a change made. I want the opportunity to pass on what helped change and save my life.

I was talking with a friend earlier about the future and every time she asked a question-I had an answer. A legitimate answer that could happen in real life. I discovered that I want to travel around and be a missionary for whatever organization will take me. After I said this, another friend came up and said that someone else wanted to do that exact same thing. As soon as they said that, I got goosebumps. Let me tell you, the only time I’ve ever had them is when I eat too much ice. It was a crazy feeling. It was my ‘burning bush’ or something impossible that I could see be made possible.

I don’t usually think about things that aren’t realistic simply because too many real things have brought my imagination down. My family calls me an “old soul” and my stepmom explains it because she says I’ve been around this life once or twice and I have some knowledge in me that couldn’t come from anywhere else. I hope you are picking up what I’m putting down. I’m not boasting about how mature I am, I am telling you things that come straight from the mouths of other people. Being told this stifles my inner child from coming out. Both forensics and this past year have been able to help me loosen up a bit. This helps me dream things I’ve never dreamed. Which leads me to the title…

My new favorite song is by a band that I absolutely love and desire the creativity that flows from the music. Alligator Sky by Owl City has to be one of the best songs ever recorded. Part of the song goes like this:

My imagination's taking me away 
Now I'mma dance like I never dance 
Sing like I never sing, dream like I've never dreamed 
Or try to, 'cause we've been lied to 
That the sun is somethin' that we can't fly to.

I think that many of us are brought down by reality. That this world and their expectations turn us into something we aren’t. And lie to us, making us think that the impossible isn’t possible. When in fact the impossible is the exact thing we can make possible. It’s what we are supposed to be doing. Using words like “almost” in front of words like “anything” make us think that there are things we aren’t able to do. They limit us.

The future is still unknown for me, and I love it that way. I love knowing that I am willing to be flexible and I am willing to be used for anything. I don’t know what will happen in my future. And to end this post I will leave you with this:

Even though I'll never know what's up ahead, 
I'm never lettin' go, I'm never lettin' go

Where I'm From

This was a poem I wrote for my Creative Writing class. I started out being unsure of the assignment but looking back at it now, I am really happy I did it. This is just a glimpse of where I'm from...I hope you enjoy! (yes, the cursing was necessary-they are direct sayings my family repeats.)

I am from last minute ideas,

Spring breaks spent by the ocean, and summers on the lake,

I am from getting all dressed up on Christmas Eve,

Just to go miniature golfing in the freezing,

I am from Ryan, Rachael, Caite, and Mackenna,

I am from a string of ghosts; those taken from me far too soon,

I am from a dark past of fists and belts,

The screams of a woman being drown out by my brother’s voice,

The two ghosts most prominent in my history, but never again in my future.

I am from memories being captured,

From my elders being covered in sewer “mud”,

To my brother in diapers sipping on a cold Busch light,

I am from “you’re crazier than an shit-house rat!”

And "We're in Texas now, Shit!"

I am from being on my own,

Taking care of myself, and looking out for others,

Trusting on the notion that no one can be trusted,

I am from being abandoned and lost in the midst of chaos,

I am from the stubbornness of a mule,

To the unconditional love from a mother,

I am from a family that extends far beyond blood,

Friends who’ve been there in my weakest times,

I am from a youth pastor who saw something in a cynical, walled off teenager,

Transformed into a kinder, trusting spirit,

I am from big dreams and small expectations,

I am from a world that likes to be rocked constantly.